8th Chapter
Candles flickered and there was a warmth in her room, which felt on the skin like a cuddly blanket. November, now somewhat neglected her diary a long time now and thought back to her birthday. This was despite the failed relationship visit very pleasant and quiet run. It has caused the family did not have to come, but what could have made already about it. From her aunt each got very fragrant body lotion and shower gel, the grandmother of money, like every year. The lack of imagination of these people really knew no bounds.
has been Kuchen gegessen und über unwichtige Dinge geredet. Bis eben sowohl Tante als auch Großmutter wieder den Heimweg antraten.
Weiter dachte Novmeber mit Freuden an das Konzert zurück, das in Köln stattgefunden hatte. Ihre Lieblingsband war aufgetreten und sie war mit drei Freundinnen dort gewesen. Ein solches Konzert brauchte sie mindestens ein oder zwei Mal im Jahr, um nicht durchzudrehen. So etwas war die einzige Gelegenheit, bei der November sich körperlich wie psychisch einmal bis an den Rand der totalen Erschöpfung auspowern konnte. Das Ergebnis waren tagelange Nackenschmerzen und ein nervenzermürbender Tinnitus in den Ohren, aber das war es ihr more than value. It had to be easy. However, they
was happy that the pain was over now and she could move her head back to normal. She paid that price but much, but it was always annoying.
And now she sat in her room all lit by candles and thought about how quickly time passed. Actually wanted to November, not again sink into such tiresome thoughts, but she could not help it. Be able to bring their thoughts just kind of paper, write down to sihc so as to at least make a little air.
It was Sunday and they had spent that Sunday the way you should spend it: Doing nothing. The only productive, she had made that day was reached, the cleaning up of their two desks. November had two tables: a normal desk on which was also her laptop with Internet access and a computer table, but rather served as a storage area for your computer fixed and all sorts of other things. When chaos reigned in her room somewhere, then the computer desk. And the chaos they had now removed. It was only a matter of time, keep up the mess on the table again feeder would. Of course, they took care of at the moment very little. November
felt as the tiredness crept through her limbs and she threatened to overwhelm. Your brain was empty anyway and she knew nothing more to write, as she put the pen aside, läschte the candles after they finished their sleep had put on and lay down to sleep in bed.
broke just two days later, the world back together. The depression returned strongly demanded their place. It was evening and November had ienen beautiful day spent with her best friend. They were striped together through the city were in your favorite cafe. It was beautiful.
But now that November was back at her desk, the thin layer of crumbled bearable, almost a good mood again from off her and she fell back into its familiar melancholy. The endorphins that were distributed at the Konzrt had probably lost its effect. The death wish came back and everything was the same. The only thing they could do now and wanted to do was go to sleep easy. It was already late in the evening.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Railway Route To Velankanni Church
7th Chapter
It was again one of the strange days. Not entirely a lost day, but still not quite as it should be. Siewar, as always on such days, not quite with him, but not quite gone. November was confused. And lest the confusion was intended due to a problem or question, but a general, surreal confusion that would run throughout the day. This confusion led to a kind of indifference, which in turn has meant that she was now no matter whether anyone could see the scars on her arm. So she wore a T-shirt with short sleeves, so that the fine lines that they felt themselves as aesthetic, were visible. It was her not matter whether friends who knew nothing about it, would see her at the university. Where they really doubted that anyone ever noticed it. Their scars were very pale and she looked perhaps most clearly, because they knew they were there. But at least before her friends she did not want to hide anymore. The scars were finally a part of it. They were part of November, as any other part of her body. And
Novemeber accepted the scars not only liked it even. Besides the fact that they felt as beautiful, they made it something different, something special. The scars told a story. They were the visible proof that November was living in another world. A map of the world in which they lived.
A visible sign that she was not an average, normal person like everyone else. She was a stranger in the world, in which it was born, and a queen in the world they had created themselves out of despair. However, she was at home in any of the worlds.
The next day she felt so strange as ever. November's everyday life was marked by an exhaustion that she was hardly able to endure yet. Never before had she felt the nature of depression as as of the day. This monster, this black tar had her body, her thoughts and feelings well in hand and she could not help it. Some degree of bitter-sweet melancholy she had always enjoyed, but the border with suffering that was no longer fit, she had long since passed. Or rather, the black tar they had pulled over this limit. He was tar too powerful, she had no chance to defend themselves.
She sat back in her favorite coffee shop, waiting for the time passed. In about three quarters of an hour she would be meet with a girlfriend. The time passed relatively quickly, but dribbled the same time tough then, just like the tar in her head. And although she met with a good friend, wished November, more like home. She was already at the end of her strength and terribly exhausted and tired, even though the day had passed gerademal half. Even before the next day, his birthday in November, would it horrified her. She would have to wear all day that awful, smiling mask that helped her, but also stole huge amounts of power. They would prefer to just their Have peace, but their relationship since her thwarted plans. And they also wanted to disappoint anyone.
It was again one of the strange days. Not entirely a lost day, but still not quite as it should be. Siewar, as always on such days, not quite with him, but not quite gone. November was confused. And lest the confusion was intended due to a problem or question, but a general, surreal confusion that would run throughout the day. This confusion led to a kind of indifference, which in turn has meant that she was now no matter whether anyone could see the scars on her arm. So she wore a T-shirt with short sleeves, so that the fine lines that they felt themselves as aesthetic, were visible. It was her not matter whether friends who knew nothing about it, would see her at the university. Where they really doubted that anyone ever noticed it. Their scars were very pale and she looked perhaps most clearly, because they knew they were there. But at least before her friends she did not want to hide anymore. The scars were finally a part of it. They were part of November, as any other part of her body. And
Novemeber accepted the scars not only liked it even. Besides the fact that they felt as beautiful, they made it something different, something special. The scars told a story. They were the visible proof that November was living in another world. A map of the world in which they lived.
A visible sign that she was not an average, normal person like everyone else. She was a stranger in the world, in which it was born, and a queen in the world they had created themselves out of despair. However, she was at home in any of the worlds.
The next day she felt so strange as ever. November's everyday life was marked by an exhaustion that she was hardly able to endure yet. Never before had she felt the nature of depression as as of the day. This monster, this black tar had her body, her thoughts and feelings well in hand and she could not help it. Some degree of bitter-sweet melancholy she had always enjoyed, but the border with suffering that was no longer fit, she had long since passed. Or rather, the black tar they had pulled over this limit. He was tar too powerful, she had no chance to defend themselves.
She sat back in her favorite coffee shop, waiting for the time passed. In about three quarters of an hour she would be meet with a girlfriend. The time passed relatively quickly, but dribbled the same time tough then, just like the tar in her head. And although she met with a good friend, wished November, more like home. She was already at the end of her strength and terribly exhausted and tired, even though the day had passed gerademal half. Even before the next day, his birthday in November, would it horrified her. She would have to wear all day that awful, smiling mask that helped her, but also stole huge amounts of power. They would prefer to just their Have peace, but their relationship since her thwarted plans. And they also wanted to disappoint anyone.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Iron Tablets Give Me Stomach
6th Chapter
sat back in her favorite coffee shop and wrote the soul from the body. Outside, the sun and let the rain water on the cobblestone pedestrian zone evaporate glittering. For about an hour before they had taken the bus under a sky that looked like angel of the Apocalypse would soon ide fall down to earth. A real shame that they would probably never experience it.
was awakened by loud construction noises it today in the neighborhood, what their mood is not lifted now. But otherwise, they remained trapped in dark desires and thoughts circles.
While they sat there, writing, sipping their cold drink, decided they like the "Steppenwolf" by Hermann Hesse buy. She had been lent this book in their school once a friend and read. They still knew that they had found themselves in every corner of the book and read it now woltle again. She bought the Steppenwolf and another, more trivial novel. A thriller, for she did Thriller. She read the first though Steppenwolf. And the wolf was
steppe.
Or put another way: She realized that she was a prairie wolf. This book by Hesse was one of those books that made it, November suck literally. She lost in reading the sense of reality and went completely into the joys and sorrows of the protagonist. The book showed her in a mirror as her own life was. Of course there were differences and not every detail was the same. but the way of life was about the same.
day they sat in each week in a seminar and was on the knowledge the absolute futility of being beaten in the stomach. There is simply no longer made sense for them to discuss things that another man had been sucked out of the fingers and written down.
were now taken a few days into the country in which they had not even written diary. In their mood was, of course, absolutely nothing changed. She also had another appointment with her life coach. He was now convinced yet again that November urgently needed medications. The thought filled her with mixed feelings. On the one hand, she was afraid take psychotropic drugs to have, especially because of side effects. But then she was also happy to some extent. Drugs could perhaps actually help to make it back somewhat Powerful. And if they already took drugs, this was a kind of confirmation that she was really sick. That they are actually hired and not just stupid is all imagined, and even persuaded. Your brain was programmed really wrong. Somehow that thought comforted her. It was all real
Everything, even the urge and pressure they felt at the moment again. She would hurt again, November simply had no other way to bring the idea to silence. But she was basically care because she did not see it as something bad, to cut themselves.
sat back in her favorite coffee shop and wrote the soul from the body. Outside, the sun and let the rain water on the cobblestone pedestrian zone evaporate glittering. For about an hour before they had taken the bus under a sky that looked like angel of the Apocalypse would soon ide fall down to earth. A real shame that they would probably never experience it.
was awakened by loud construction noises it today in the neighborhood, what their mood is not lifted now. But otherwise, they remained trapped in dark desires and thoughts circles.
While they sat there, writing, sipping their cold drink, decided they like the "Steppenwolf" by Hermann Hesse buy. She had been lent this book in their school once a friend and read. They still knew that they had found themselves in every corner of the book and read it now woltle again. She bought the Steppenwolf and another, more trivial novel. A thriller, for she did Thriller. She read the first though Steppenwolf. And the wolf was
steppe.
Or put another way: She realized that she was a prairie wolf. This book by Hesse was one of those books that made it, November suck literally. She lost in reading the sense of reality and went completely into the joys and sorrows of the protagonist. The book showed her in a mirror as her own life was. Of course there were differences and not every detail was the same. but the way of life was about the same.
day they sat in each week in a seminar and was on the knowledge the absolute futility of being beaten in the stomach. There is simply no longer made sense for them to discuss things that another man had been sucked out of the fingers and written down.
were now taken a few days into the country in which they had not even written diary. In their mood was, of course, absolutely nothing changed. She also had another appointment with her life coach. He was now convinced yet again that November urgently needed medications. The thought filled her with mixed feelings. On the one hand, she was afraid take psychotropic drugs to have, especially because of side effects. But then she was also happy to some extent. Drugs could perhaps actually help to make it back somewhat Powerful. And if they already took drugs, this was a kind of confirmation that she was really sick. That they are actually hired and not just stupid is all imagined, and even persuaded. Your brain was programmed really wrong. Somehow that thought comforted her. It was all real
Everything, even the urge and pressure they felt at the moment again. She would hurt again, November simply had no other way to bring the idea to silence. But she was basically care because she did not see it as something bad, to cut themselves.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Habanero Doritos For Sale
5th Chapter
you did not know exactly why, but the urge was there again. It had now passed since the last time just over two weeks. It was again time. This time she wanted to try something new. First, she prepared everything as before, as always. Tempo put handkerchiefs, scissors and stone side by side on the desk. Then she took out the razor blade. What was different this time was that it is now the freezer went out and took a cold pack. With the battery in the hand she went back to her room and sat down at the desk. Now, could begin. They rolled up the right trouser leg until the thigh was free and put the cold pack to a position of the leg, just above the knee. Where already very faded scars were visible. With the battery on the leg they then waited a few minutes. She wanted to numb the body to which they would cut into it immediately. November injured himself, but the pain that it was inevitably, they did not like. He was single axle only annoying and uncomfortable.
When she no longer felt the cold of the batteries, they took it away and Blade in his hand. November began. First cut. As always, rather superficially, but the blood poured out in thick drops. A few cuts later, blood still oozed out and she watched spellbound as the drops of the cuts, and finally joined in one big drops running down the leg side.
perfect.
you did not cut deep because of the pain, despite the icy numbness was otherwise too unpleasant, but it was enough to see their blood running down red lines in the leg. Just what she wanted.
Some further cuts later she cut handle the patch to the wounds on the leg to provide satisfaction. You was now tired, rolled up the leg back down and lay down to sleep in bed.
When she awoke the next morning because a voice in her dream told her to let down the blinds on the roof window because the sun was so unbearable, had to find November that the cut was purely put anything. In their rampage, the same feelings and thoughts. She did not even know if and how they would survive the time until the psychiatrist appointment. The longing for death had now become very prominent. Every day she wafted into the dark depths of her head and spat on and images from her mind's eye. Images, which showed how they jumped from one of many highway bridges in the area. Which showed her as she lay somewhere to cut wrists and died. Or, as she took a huge overdose of pills and slowly died down. In some minutes she could think of nothing else. Her life was at times from dying. And it robbed her of so much of the power that they indeed had not even really.
But she had to admit that the thought of suicide and the thought to try it once was actually more attractive. Yes, she almost longed for it, it easy to do at last. She did not yet. She fought yet but do so. November knew only too well that they would survive a trial. She had not the courage to really die. So agonizing thoughts and longing were. It still lacked the courage. Or madness. Maybe both. And so they struggled on through every day.
silent for the moment the thought of their own end. Or were at least somewhat quieter. This time they wanted to use to take a shower and then finally her room, which was adjusted slowly growing chaos in her head, clean up. And clean up at least one duty, the bathroom last it was to fulfill today.
Before they could begin, she had to lie down just because her blood pressure again fell into bottomless depths. That might not be healthy, so she decided to go to the doctor next week.
It took hours to clean up her room after she had cleaned the bathroom and had washed laundry. They never thought that these simple tasks would rob her of the household so hard the force. Cleaning up, she was not ready until after midnight. And that's only half-way.
November finally decided that she could continue the next day and it was time for bed now.
you did not know exactly why, but the urge was there again. It had now passed since the last time just over two weeks. It was again time. This time she wanted to try something new. First, she prepared everything as before, as always. Tempo put handkerchiefs, scissors and stone side by side on the desk. Then she took out the razor blade. What was different this time was that it is now the freezer went out and took a cold pack. With the battery in the hand she went back to her room and sat down at the desk. Now, could begin. They rolled up the right trouser leg until the thigh was free and put the cold pack to a position of the leg, just above the knee. Where already very faded scars were visible. With the battery on the leg they then waited a few minutes. She wanted to numb the body to which they would cut into it immediately. November injured himself, but the pain that it was inevitably, they did not like. He was single axle only annoying and uncomfortable.
When she no longer felt the cold of the batteries, they took it away and Blade in his hand. November began. First cut. As always, rather superficially, but the blood poured out in thick drops. A few cuts later, blood still oozed out and she watched spellbound as the drops of the cuts, and finally joined in one big drops running down the leg side.
perfect.
you did not cut deep because of the pain, despite the icy numbness was otherwise too unpleasant, but it was enough to see their blood running down red lines in the leg. Just what she wanted.
Some further cuts later she cut handle the patch to the wounds on the leg to provide satisfaction. You was now tired, rolled up the leg back down and lay down to sleep in bed.
When she awoke the next morning because a voice in her dream told her to let down the blinds on the roof window because the sun was so unbearable, had to find November that the cut was purely put anything. In their rampage, the same feelings and thoughts. She did not even know if and how they would survive the time until the psychiatrist appointment. The longing for death had now become very prominent. Every day she wafted into the dark depths of her head and spat on and images from her mind's eye. Images, which showed how they jumped from one of many highway bridges in the area. Which showed her as she lay somewhere to cut wrists and died. Or, as she took a huge overdose of pills and slowly died down. In some minutes she could think of nothing else. Her life was at times from dying. And it robbed her of so much of the power that they indeed had not even really.
But she had to admit that the thought of suicide and the thought to try it once was actually more attractive. Yes, she almost longed for it, it easy to do at last. She did not yet. She fought yet but do so. November knew only too well that they would survive a trial. She had not the courage to really die. So agonizing thoughts and longing were. It still lacked the courage. Or madness. Maybe both. And so they struggled on through every day.
silent for the moment the thought of their own end. Or were at least somewhat quieter. This time they wanted to use to take a shower and then finally her room, which was adjusted slowly growing chaos in her head, clean up. And clean up at least one duty, the bathroom last it was to fulfill today.
Before they could begin, she had to lie down just because her blood pressure again fell into bottomless depths. That might not be healthy, so she decided to go to the doctor next week.
It took hours to clean up her room after she had cleaned the bathroom and had washed laundry. They never thought that these simple tasks would rob her of the household so hard the force. Cleaning up, she was not ready until after midnight. And that's only half-way.
November finally decided that she could continue the next day and it was time for bed now.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
18th Birthday Gay Bathhouse
4th Chapter
It was just horrible. November had managed to beat out of bed to wash the hair and go to town. She had even managed to get an appointment with the psychiatrist. Although this would be due to the delays in early October. She had done all that, but was still unable to attend classes at the university. She could not. She had absolutely no concentration to less had the nerve for it and now important things anyway, they actually dei in the classroom would need to forget home.
She was today once thought to be lost again. On the bus, it was sometimes so bad that they could hold no longer think clearly. In November's head just was just a dark swirling mass of feelings and thoughts. It was not just their Lord.
course knew and felt that they immerf themselves and their lives fell apart on, but they could not help himself. She had fainted watch as she became more and more fell into a world of pain, depression and pain, and absorbed by black fog.
Novemebre talked a still that she also went well today. Good in the sense that the despair they are not quite as brutal as in her clasping worst phases. A little bit of control they had, so she was well. At least they guakelte the prior successful. The truth was completely different. They knew, but it replaced most of the time. Finally they had to work. But If they could, they would sit at this moment in teaching at the University of ...
Nothing worked. She was a wreck with a seemingly-perfect facade to the outside. Even if they thought of today have to work, she got a sense of fear. This sentiment was still weak but luckily enough, so they suppress it could.
The heat seemed to get worse with each passing day. And with the temperature increased, the fatigue, which flourished in November. Every day she felt closer to the collapse. They wanted even to finally collapse easily. She felt as if she could alone the fact that she lived no longer endure. But she got up every morning and staggered through the day, so she bore it anyway in one way or another. This dichotomy of the simultaneous yield and collapse inwardly she was still mad. She hated her mask, which she presented daily to the outside. But it was a necessary evil, because they wanted to pelt also be none.
presented with slight horror, she always laid again, leading a double life for them. For their friends and family, she was a normal, upbeat young woman who sometimes adopted a pitch-black, cynical humor to the day. Only her best friend knew what secret was November before all. Only they knew that this humor so black it was broken by the desperate side of November came. By the psychiatrist appointments only they knew something.
November wondered how long these two lives could well exist side by side. She lived
in constant fear that someone might find out, especially from her family about her dark life. she could not reveal Himself however. Before that, they fear many more. November had already seen their family almost fell apart because she was suffering from depression. Her parents came up with something nciht clear. She was a few years ago had been to therapy for depression and therefore knew that their parents would probably collapse completely if they knew how the other lives of her daughter looked like. This November would avoid at all costs. Especially their own sake. Because their parents were not to the people who showed their concerns in a loving, understanding and caring way. No, everything was unloaded in verbal and also some latent aggression. And this was also what she had done only to what it was.
She stopped her thoughts quickly as best they could to not fall even lower. But actually it was already too late.
When she awoke the next morning, she was at least as on the ground and already at work the day before. Even while working her mood was tipped into a depressive-paranoid mood. She was convinced that the guests would over they slander, they smile. The thought was so unbearable that she was glad to finally be allowed home.
And now she was sitting at home in her room, feeling no better than the day before. It was the weekend, the sun shone, it was warm, but it was blowing a cool wind, so it was not unbearably hot and the white curtains of her large window swayed in time with the sounds of Japanese wind chimes, which is a slightly reassuring, but also had melancholic effect. The laptop was running and she was surfing the Internet, was logged into a chat, but even this could not prevent her thoughts began to revolve again. Mostly, it was not even thought that was really articulate. There were more emotions, which they could not assign descriptive words.
It was just horrible. November had managed to beat out of bed to wash the hair and go to town. She had even managed to get an appointment with the psychiatrist. Although this would be due to the delays in early October. She had done all that, but was still unable to attend classes at the university. She could not. She had absolutely no concentration to less had the nerve for it and now important things anyway, they actually dei in the classroom would need to forget home.
She was today once thought to be lost again. On the bus, it was sometimes so bad that they could hold no longer think clearly. In November's head just was just a dark swirling mass of feelings and thoughts. It was not just their Lord.
course knew and felt that they immerf themselves and their lives fell apart on, but they could not help himself. She had fainted watch as she became more and more fell into a world of pain, depression and pain, and absorbed by black fog.
Novemebre talked a still that she also went well today. Good in the sense that the despair they are not quite as brutal as in her clasping worst phases. A little bit of control they had, so she was well. At least they guakelte the prior successful. The truth was completely different. They knew, but it replaced most of the time. Finally they had to work. But If they could, they would sit at this moment in teaching at the University of ...
Nothing worked. She was a wreck with a seemingly-perfect facade to the outside. Even if they thought of today have to work, she got a sense of fear. This sentiment was still weak but luckily enough, so they suppress it could.
The heat seemed to get worse with each passing day. And with the temperature increased, the fatigue, which flourished in November. Every day she felt closer to the collapse. They wanted even to finally collapse easily. She felt as if she could alone the fact that she lived no longer endure. But she got up every morning and staggered through the day, so she bore it anyway in one way or another. This dichotomy of the simultaneous yield and collapse inwardly she was still mad. She hated her mask, which she presented daily to the outside. But it was a necessary evil, because they wanted to pelt also be none.
presented with slight horror, she always laid again, leading a double life for them. For their friends and family, she was a normal, upbeat young woman who sometimes adopted a pitch-black, cynical humor to the day. Only her best friend knew what secret was November before all. Only they knew that this humor so black it was broken by the desperate side of November came. By the psychiatrist appointments only they knew something.
November wondered how long these two lives could well exist side by side. She lived
in constant fear that someone might find out, especially from her family about her dark life. she could not reveal Himself however. Before that, they fear many more. November had already seen their family almost fell apart because she was suffering from depression. Her parents came up with something nciht clear. She was a few years ago had been to therapy for depression and therefore knew that their parents would probably collapse completely if they knew how the other lives of her daughter looked like. This November would avoid at all costs. Especially their own sake. Because their parents were not to the people who showed their concerns in a loving, understanding and caring way. No, everything was unloaded in verbal and also some latent aggression. And this was also what she had done only to what it was.
She stopped her thoughts quickly as best they could to not fall even lower. But actually it was already too late.
When she awoke the next morning, she was at least as on the ground and already at work the day before. Even while working her mood was tipped into a depressive-paranoid mood. She was convinced that the guests would over they slander, they smile. The thought was so unbearable that she was glad to finally be allowed home.
And now she was sitting at home in her room, feeling no better than the day before. It was the weekend, the sun shone, it was warm, but it was blowing a cool wind, so it was not unbearably hot and the white curtains of her large window swayed in time with the sounds of Japanese wind chimes, which is a slightly reassuring, but also had melancholic effect. The laptop was running and she was surfing the Internet, was logged into a chat, but even this could not prevent her thoughts began to revolve again. Mostly, it was not even thought that was really articulate. There were more emotions, which they could not assign descriptive words.
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